A Post-Grad, No-Job Renewed Mindset

This morning I woke up with a renewed energy.

For some reason, this past month has brought about so many thoughts keeping me from living presently. In all transparency, I’ve been met with feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and at times, straight-up sadness. This isn’t to say every day is like this, but I have spent multiple rainy mornings almost angrily filling out job applications and cold emailing, only to feel unfulfilled at the end of the day after finding myself nowhere closer to my goal: a postgrad, full time job.

I graduated from college this past May with my degree in Fashion Merchandising. It is now October, I have moved to New York City, and I work part-time at a spin studio. Fully living out a real-life version of Comedy Central’s Broad City. (An 11/10 show if you ask me.)

Money, of course, is tight, but the real root of frustration in my situation is seeing where I thought I would be by now versus the reality of where I actually am. Almost every early-20-something who’s gone out on their own is broke, so I made peace with penny pinching where I can in the city in a long time ago. This to say, I am more than comfortable financially with all my needs covered and want to acknowledge that privilege before anything else.

But I am not anywhere near where I thought I would be five months post-grad. I am, like so many others who relocate to New York City this young, an overachiever whose college, even high school, calendar was beyond booked on top of schoolwork. I kept myself busy with anything and everything I thought would improve my chances at a successful career after the fact.

Now, with what feels like forever separating me from that version of myself, my calendar revolves around my part-time job unrelated to my degree, my friends’ corporate schedules, and filling the spaces with passion projects (Hi blog!) and job applications. After a solid three months of this schedule, I am mentally exhausted. Feelings of disappointment and guilt fight for my attention, even though everyone in my life is beyond encouraging. The rejection emails define me and the innocent minded “So what are you doing for work?” conversations only seal my frustration. The pressure manifests in my own head, comparing current me to a past me, the one who “had it all together.”

But this morning I woke up with a renewed energy.

I live in New York City—a dream of mine I have had for forever and a day. I refuse to let my enjoyment of this realized dream be contingent on the validation of a degree-related job.

I am young, healthy, and have my entire life at my fingertips. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and I am tired of worrying about why I am in the situation I am in. So, I am done. All I can continue to do is my best, which of course, includes continuing to apply to jobs and networking my ass off. But, I no longer see a reason to dwell on the negatives of this situation because, quite frankly, it is only making it that much worse.

While it’s easy for me to say all of this, I am sure my mindset will fluctuate as I continue this journey. I have never understood the concept of giving yourself grace more than I do now. You are by far the most important person you could be kind to. We simply cannot put out true positive energy towards others if we don’t embody it ourselves, and that is what I think I am intended to learn in this phase of life.

This, of course, and the beauty of the “waiting room.” A few months ago, I had an uplifting conversation with a friend about trying to enjoy times in life that feel like a “waiting room” before you enter the next step. At the time, when she suggested I try to acknowledge this “waiting room” I am in as my destination, rather than a mere in-between place, I shrugged off her advice and essentially have since kept metaphorically banging on doors connected to neighboring destinations. As you can see, none of these have opened for me. In hindsight, I can see, of course, why they didn’t open—who wants to open their door to a frustrated, desperate person just looking for any path to get off their current? Annie, it would’ve been easier for me to digest your words earlier but leave it to me to make the mistake on my own before listening!

So here I am. Something clicked this morning. Life has no waiting rooms, and I am done trying to force doors open. This destination holds a unique, busy-slowness I know I will never have again. It is filled with opportunity in friendship, self-discovery, and growth. I will work at my spin studio, continue my passion projects, apply to jobs with grace for myself, and only dwell on positive thoughts that serve me.

I am living in New York City in my early 20s—a dream of mine I have had for forever and a day.

I am going to enjoy it.

xo

KR

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